Wednesday, October 28, 2009

My Day

Today is my ONE YEAR SURVIVOR DAY!!!!!! It is a huge milestone in the cancer world. Although you learn quickly that each day is a miracle. I am so happy to have survived this past year. I had a lot of anxiety leading up to today. I wondered if that horrible day would replay over and over again. I wondered if I would be sad, cry, depressed. Then it just struck me, I'm happy. Happy to be alive, cancer free, healthy, and most of all, have all the support that I do in my life!!!

One year ago, I trained a computer class at work. I left early to get to my post op appt. I waited in the waiting room, then in the exam room. Waited and waited. I don't really know how long it was. I had time to read a magazine and call to reschedule my eye appt. I was wearing workout clothes because I was headed to the gym after the appt. Or at least that's what I had planned to do. I don't remember driving to that appt. I remember leaving.

That doctor had been wrong. She had been wrong a year and a half prior. When I went in that May 2007, she felt around and told me it was a cyst. I waited 3 weeks until after my period and went in again. It had shrunk, so she knew it was a hormonal thing. Of course I believed her. Who wouldn't? She was a breast specialist. Then, a year and a half later, September 12th, 2008 came and when I met with her, she agreed "it" had grown. We planned an October 17th biopsy.

I had the most beautiful wedding day in between those dates. I married my soul mate. The weather was perfect. And all our family and friends were there to celebrate. I remember taking my first step into the church. I looked at Daryl. I had dreamed so many times of what his expression would be when he saw me in my dress. I was so excited for him to see me. I felt beautiful. My hair was perfect. My dad held my arm and we walked slowly. All eyes were on me. That was My Day! Daryl looked so handsome in his tux. His eyes were so brown, so caring. I saw my soul looking into his eyes. I remember Jon Appleget singing The Lord's Prayer and I will be here. I held back my tears, those happy tears. Then Pastor Olson blessed us as husband and wife. We danced at the reception. I felt drunk but had little alcohol that night. It truly was the happiest day of my life.

We were newlyweds for about a month when I had my biopsy. Daryl and my mom waited while they took out the "cyst." I saw the demon. I had asked the doctor to show it to me when I woke. I remember seeing it. It was ugly. Everything looked fine, no surprises is what that doctor told Daryl and my mom. They'd call if anything come back bad news otherwise there was an appt. scheduled for a Tuesday, about a week and a half later. When I got to that appt., what they had failed to tell me was that my test results were sent for a second opinion because I am so young. The doctor hadn't gotten the results back until the Saturday prior. I guess no one thought to call and tell me. I took "no news" as good news and spread the word.

So at that post op appt, the doctor blurted it out..."The test results came back positive for breast cancer." I thought I would never get past that moment. She rattled off something about chemo and different meds, probably get it for four months, younger women are doing double mastectomy's these days. WTH? Really? You know all this and I can't even think past your first statement. That day was October 28, 2009. It is all still very clear to me. But, I can talk about in now with little to no crying. Less anger at that doctor but more fear that she is misdiagnosing more and more women. I've met 2.

Daryl came, we listened to the doctor some more. Asked questions. I called my parents and sister on the way home. Remembering how I practically held my breath to talk so that I didn't cry. God I didn't want cancer. I didn't want to lose my hair. I just wanted it all to go away. I wanted to go back a day and be that happy newlywed. Now, I didn't think about my beautiful wedding day, but that dark, gloomy day hung like a tornado cloud over our life. November 3rd I met my Oncologist Dr. Langdon. Love him!!!! Nov 7th I met with Dr. Reilly, my surgical oncologist, had my first ever mammogram and MRI. Nov 10th I met with Dr. Langdon to talk about the MRI and I believe I had a CAT Scan. Results were good. I bought my pair of UGGS! Nov 17 I had surgery...lymph nodes removed and port put in. Nov 24th, first round of chemo. ALL DAY LONG! I had a wonderful nurse. Nov 27th, Thanksgiving. First night of not sleeping. 2 weeks later, started losing my hair, and a couple days after that, shaved my head. My first of many cold I had never known. March 9th, done with chemo. April 3rd and 14th lumpectomies. April 17th CANCER FREE!!!! May-July Radiation. And the rest is history.

Needless to say, it's been a very busy year. But I survived. I celebrated holiday's and Birthdays. I redecorated our home. I laughed and cried. I loved and I was loved. Today, I wasn't sad or depressed. I was thankful that I got my diagnosis early, beat the crap out of the cancer and have the faith, hope and courage to keep fighting the war.

I am so thankful for getting my essence back that cancer took away.


1 comment:

Luiza said...

Hi Tracy, for some reason I felt like checking your blog today, I had no idea it has been a year. You write so well, thanks for sharing your story, make us think about what we can do to prevent this disease and that if we feel something is not right, we should let the doc know, loud and clear. They are not always right, we know ourselves better than anyone else. I wish all the best for you. And Brooklyn is so big and beautiful, I miss her, and you and Laura! :)