Treatment alone

Today when I went in for treatment, I met Tracy in the front waiting room. She was leaving and let me know we wouldn't be doing treatment together anymore. The Herceptin has stopped working for her. She had some scans done last week that revealed new spots in a lymph node and on her lung.

I am so angry at cancer. I want to take it away from her. Then throw it, throw it far, far away!! I want it to leave her alone, leave me alone!! Stop bullying so many people. I hate the fear it puts into a person. I hate the sleepless nights it causes. I hate the side effects that the treatment causes. I hate the scientists that wrote an article in the other day claiming that preventative services are not needed b/c only 1 in 10,000 women who are 20 die of cancer. I hate the Journal Star for placing this in the paper for all to read. I hate the insurance fearing, spineless doctors that go to work for a paycheck instead of taking that extra step to making sure their patient is ok. I hate that my friend of over 24 years is going to have motherless children someday because cancer and that doctor worked hand in hand. I hate that there isn't a cure RIGHT NOW to stop all the sleepless nights. I hate that I can't stop the fear.

Along with fear is the unknown. Having cancer treatment is like being a bear in hibernation. I "woke up" after treatment was over and I can't find me. Where is the healthy body I had 8 months ago? Where is the beautiful hair I styled everyday? Where are the strong legs I used to run with? Where is the oxygen that helped me breath? Where did this 30lbs come from? Why are there so many pills in my medicine box? And why is there a brand new on that starts tomorrow? Where did this slouching posture come from? Where did my confidence go? Why does the world look different?

I guess now that all that is out of my system, I should go to bed. It is 11:30pm and I've had a long day. I won't let cancer take anymore of my time tonight.

I am thankful to have Tracy as my friend. Love you.