Monday, December 29, 2008

Another blood test

I had my blood work done today. Same ol' same ol' My white blood cells are down, the lowest they have been. I can't even begin to explain how this bums me out. I hate seeing it. In addition, I'm bloated from whatever and my hormones are going nuts. So, I'm pissy. I feel like running a mile or three but I can't even walk up and down the stairs without getting winded. Maybe going to the gym would be good. I could walk on the treadmill. But with having little immunity, do I risk all the germs on the equipment? Plus, will people stare b/c I don't have hair? I want my hair back so badly. I don't know why I deserve this. When do the tears stop? When does the tiredness stop? Do you know that I had about 4 hotflashes last night. Sleep? If I do sleep, I wake up with a headache. I have little motivation and feel fat. Have I complained enough? I just don't understand why this world works the way it does. I keep telling myself (and others) that I am lucky. And I do think I am lucky for a lot of things but why can't I be lucky and pregnant? Or lucky and not have cancer. I think I have every right to be angry but I am stuck at angry. Cancer is so sneaky. Just when I think I am taking charge, I get beat down. Maybe I need some of that crazy person medicine Tracy was talking about?? More than angry, I'm scared. I've been scared since I was diagnosed. What if this doesn't work? What if my hair doesn't come back? What if the hot flashes don't stop and I go infertile? What if, what if, what if? No one knows. I have to trust the doctor. Right?

I am thankful for not having chocolate in the house because I'd probably eat it all. Ok, I am also thankful for hot showers. They help my sinuses in the morning.

1 comment:

betty said...

darlin, in my prayers every day...if I could do more I would