Saturday, November 22, 2008

Who is my opponent?

On October 28th, I was diagnosed. All I knew was that I had a cyst removed from my right breast with a cancer tumor that had grown inside of it. The difficult part for me to grasp was not knowing where the cancer had gone outside of the cyst. Had it gone to my lymphnodes? My bones? My organs? I didn't know. But now, three weeks later, I do know that it has not spread to my organs and bones. I have had a Mammogram, a MRI, a CAT scan, blood taken, a biopsy, a port inserted, and 6 lymphnodes removed. The most painful part was the 4 injections in my Areola and the 1 shot of blood thinner into my leg before surgery.

I start Chemo on Monday, November 24th. So much has happened in less than a month. My life as I knew it has changed. I am now more aware of the people around me; the things that really matter. I am sad that I won't be going on my honeymoon in December, but I am oh so thankful for my husband. I am pissed at cancer for interrupting my life--I just got married, I want to have a baby, I want to hold my new neice and not be in pain, I just started a job I really enjoy and have now missed several days of it. Ofcourse I have asked the question "why me" a thousand times and thought to myself "I can't believe I am going through this" a million times. There are so many emotions I go through every day. One day I know I can fight this, the next I don't know that I can. One day I know I can face my fears of what is to come, and the next, I don't think I can. I love my hair, and this I will probably lose. How will I look in a hat? A wig? A scarf? I'm scared. I'm angry. I'm happy. I'm sad. I'm thankful. I'm lost. I'm focused. I'm.....a different feeling each minute.

This is my first blog and I think that I could write for a very long time. But, I think that it's getting late and Daryl and I have made a rule that we don't talk about cancer after 8pm. That is because I have nightmares, bad ones. So, I will end for tonight and probably play Scrabble Blast on

I am thankful for my husband waking me twice in the middle of the night to take my pain medicine and my mom for helping me shower and blow dry my hair.



BettyMom said...

you are in my prayers love betty

Anonymous said...

I am praying for you in New Jersey. And look forward to reading your blog for many years to come.